Lucia's big day...

9 months old and started to walk! I'm speechless, thrilled and sad at the same time.. she's so small and growing so fast....

Danny and I always knew we wanted our children close in age... when Gael was born, I was already thinking about baby #2... I wanted them about 15 month apart.. I didn't expect 13 months. But I don't regret it, in fact I love it more, I welcome the challenge. When I was pregnant with #2 I wanted a boy, I fell so in love with my son, I wanted one just like him. We had the ultrasound tech write out on a post it the sex of the baby and put it in an envelope and on Danny's birthday we opened it, and there it was...."It's a girl!" My mouth dropped, I was shocked and nervous, happy and scared. Girl? All I kept thinking was.. she's going to be just like me, and that terrifies me. I have so many faults, I wouldn't wish them on anyone.. my fear of failure cripples me, my lack of patience, I'm stubborn, I live in the past, I dig myself into the deepest holes when I'm upset, and that's not even gracing the surface... then there's society and it's influence on girls, from weight to fashion to labels... and that even continues on into adulthood, I cringe when I hear terms like "Alphamom/wife" "Power this.. or that" Then if anyone knew me growing up.. then you know the trials and tribulations I put my parents through.... Having a girl is God's way of smacking me back in the face... But I take it now as my opportunity to make things right, serve as an example to my daughter, show her the mistakes I made and how I fixed them, ignore the labels etc.. I can't imagine life without my sweet little baby. I love her so much I fall to my knees each time I see her... She is my soul, my strength and the passion that drives me every second of the day. She captivates me. Gael brings out the best in me, his happiness exudes in our home, and he melts me. When I had my son, he filled a void in me I had for a long time, he completed my existence in this world.. gave me a reason, and when I had my girl.. she gave me fight, enhanced the passion and focus I had to live my life every second for my family. She's is what is keeping me focused on this big move.  

Why can't time slow down...

I've always hated how fast time flies... I'm always thinking.. I have to do it NOW... I have to get it done or I have to document it so I don't forget... I'm the type of person that savors every second when it comes to certain things.. I feel like if I don't experience it to the fullest, I'll regret it. 

 I've spent a small fortune on pictures of my children, with one photographer, in one session I ended up spending $3500.00 then went back 3 months later for more pictures of my daughter, then again 2 months later to a different photographer for my kid's spring pictures... I'm obsessed, shutterfly is my addiction, I've created at least 20 photobooks, all with at least 30 pages. I'm usually up late at night creating one. I just don't want to miss a moment and I like to document what happened at that particular moment in time. I scrapbook.... shocking I know.. on the surface most would not take me for the scrapbooking type.. but I love it.. I love organizing my memories.. at home I'm always looking at my photos and scrapbooks, I prefer that over watching television. 

I want to slow time down... in just 2 1/2 months I'll be in Connecticut, and I don't want to move... I have no idea how I'm going to handle it when that time comes but right now I'm completely stressed about it... there are days that are better and I get really excited.. but then there are nights that I toss and turn and worry about what the future brings.. My Godson, Benedict came over for a second to drop off hot cross buns my sister made, Gael was thrilled, he jumped for joy to see Benedict, and the second he left, Gael couldn't stop crying.. my son is at an age where he loves playing with other children and for the first time, he's running and loving every second with his cousins. That's what I love about living so close to my family... not only do I have the security to know they're there but our kids have each other and their bond will be closer than cousins. I never thought I'd love children, always thought I was too selfish for it. Then my first nephew Harry was born, I remember holding that boy, amazing...I was an Aunt for the first time, I still have the room badge I wore when I went to visit my sister in the hospital, I'll never forget that moment.  I became a Godmother about 9m later... Benedict felt like my own son when I was with him, I hope I hold that title to it's true honor. Then the others came one by one.. Bernadette, KAI, William, and after that.. came my boy Gael... then Aidan and my little Lucia... there's also Daniel, who every time Gael sees he can't stop hugging... and soon they'll expect a new cousin, Olivia, a perfect playmate for Lucia.. only a year apart... I study my son now, I can see the wheels turning in his little imagination... so many cousin's to imagine with.... I wish I can just slow down time just for those moments... 

Up again... and again....

I'm up... late... again.. I've always been an insomniac.. when I was a kid, I remember staying up all night, there was one night I stayed up literally 24 hours, I was sitting at the edge of my parent's bed, my mom had just come home from work, she worked the over night shift at the hospital I must have been 12 at the time, I don't know why I stayed up I just did. I had terrible nightmares, all recurring ones, it was odd, that day my mother made me stay home from school to get some sleep. I thought it was strange that she did that since she would send us to school even if we were vomiting out last nights dinner. I think too much, it's my mortal enemy. I tend to dramatize things in my mind, the simplest things become long drawn out acts. I can turn a happy moment into a spectacular one and a sad moment into the most tragic stories ever written, I hate this part of me. Lately I've been up till about 4am every morning thinking about this move, not good since I get up at 7am with the kids. Lately Danny's let me sleep in, kind husband that he is, but then I hear Lucia screaming in the morning.. so I can't help by get up. (if you haven't noticed I call my daughter by her middle name) 

I go through ups and downs, there are days I think of this move as a great adventure, then the other days, I dig myself into the darkest hole, and I can't seem to pull myself out. Tonight is one of those days.  We spent this wonderful day at solider field, it was the annual candy grab, Gael's first easter celebration, we had an awesome brunch then on to the packed field for free candy.  It was crowded and probably too chaotic for most, but I loved it, walking up to Solider Field, it was the first time I had been up that close to it since it's been remodeled, I was against it's spaceship like features years ago when they did it, now I've warmed up to it. It was intimidating and awesome at the same time, it was a cold morning and when you took a breath the air was so brisk, you couldn't help but shiver each time. Gael's cheeks rosey'd up so quickly, and Lucia was wrapped up tight in Gael's yellow baby blanket you could only see her eyes, every once in a while she'd wiggle and you'd catch a glimpse of her chilly nose. I looked around, and took in the atmosphere, I loved it, sunny, Chicago Cold, and warming up next to me are my treasures.. 

We took a walk afterward, Gael and Lucia fell asleep from their mad dash for sweets, as we walked,  I came across one of the spots for the one of the best views of the Chicago Skyline, walking along the stadium,  the museum campus. Ahh perfect.. clear sky and a view of the SEARS tower,  my Chicago, my city... my home.. already I miss it. 

Endless search....

I'm finding myself on an endless search for the perfect rental house in Connecticut.. which is  bit scary since I have no idea what area is nice. I bought my townhouse in 2001, I was so excited! My very first home, I was 25. I was proud of myself when  wrote that first mortgage check and I still have that sense of accomplishment now. I had many problems with this home, leaks in the roof (still do) leak in the basement, air conditioning and heating issues, I bought it new construction but later found out our builder wasn't all that honest, he half assed the job. But I tackled all the issues, spent a small fortune on fixing the air conditioning and I am still waiting to get the roof fixed so I can repair the kitchen ceiling. But I do love it here, Since Danny moved in and we had our babies, I  really feel like home. I'm comfortable, Danny is wonderful here, he helps out a great deal and the sound of my children running up and down the hall brings a warmth and excitement to me. Gael comes running the minute he hears the garage door open, and when I open up that door, I hear "oh mommy!" and I melt. 

So here I am now searching... for that same feeling in a city I am foreign to. Sticker shock isn't the word when looking, it's more like, "Holy mother of God, Who the hell can afford to live here?" I'm going back to renting.. something I am totally against, since at my age, I should be owning a home but since I'm not exactly sure what the east coast will bring me, I'm not going to buy a house until I know I'm secure there. So I'm looking at spending between $2000-$3500/month on rent, and that's depending on the house and location. I've seen some homes, on the cheaper end but they're either too far or too old. I'm a bit picky and want something more updated.. most of the homes in Connecticut are older homes, beautiful but I'm a bit paranoid with lead being in the walls and mold.. etc.. And I'm looking for a backyard.. I figure if I'm going out there, then I want to be happy and make my family happy, I want the backyard where my children can play. So of course the homes I've seen and like are about 3 grand a month.

I've posted a few pics of homes I've been looking at. They're about 3 bedrooms. I'm hoping my family comes to visit a lot so I want to find a home that has some room to it. Another sad moment, I'll miss my niece and nephews so much but that's another post.... 

So I'll continue my endless search for the perfect place...and outrageous highway robbery rent.... in the meantime.. I'll fix my leak problems and rent out my dear to my heart townhouse...anyone interested??