it's been almost 3 months now.....

So it has been a while since I've updated this blog, things have been more than hectic since we moved, work has me so busy and the little time I've had I've been spending with my babies... I can't believe it's been almost 3 months now, summer has been over and the leaves are beginning to turn. The one thing that I have been excited about here is seeing the changing colors of the leaves, I would always find that so amazing, when I was a child I used to collect them and I was just fascinated with the colors, and I loved raking leaves with my sisters in our backyard... except for the one time I thought it would be funny if I scraped my sister's back with the rake... didn't go over so well.. We live on an acre and it has many trees in front and in the back, so Gael and Sofia Lee will have a wonderful time jumping in piles of leaves... I am very excited about that. I'm getting used to living here, I still get homesick but I do enjoy watching my children run around in the backyard and play on the swing set Danny put together. We've been to NYC many times, driving and taking the train, it's extremely easy to do, so in many ways I have the best of both worlds, peaceful living and a major metropolitan city near by.

Gael is enrolled in a preschool readiness program in Manhattan, it's pretty awesome I think. It's a drop off program that lasts about 2 hours, it's great, they teach him how to write, count, make his own snacks, and then we get to spend the afternoon taking a walk in Central Park and visiting museums, it's been fun so far and he's doing great! Sofia Lee begins her One's program in Westport, I'm excited to see how she'll adjust because she's so attached. She's also become so attached to Gael, she does what he does, tries to speak when he does, when he cries, she goes to him and pats him on the head to soothe him. And most of her previous classes had him there. I'm interested to see how she'll adjust without him. I have yet to adjust, I haven't met any other mom's, partly due to my work sched but it would be nice to have the kids play with children their own age. I've always wanted to have a Halloween party for kids, if I were in Chicago, it'd be so easy to do with all of Gael and Sofia Lee's friends and cousins. That's one of the reasons why we're flying back for Halloween, I want to see them, we miss them all so much.

Until then I've packed my calender with autumn events both here in Fairfield county and in NYC. This weekend a big Family Picnic and next Sun, we're headed to Brooklyn for a street festival!

Our home for the next 10 months

Okay so I've been holding out on where we're living... I think it's denial mostly.. again.. I have to stress I hate the idea of moving, not only moving in general but moving out of Chicago. We found a place in the Cranbury area of Norwalk, near Westport, the home of the late Paul Newman and Martha Stewarts old home... why we chose this who the hell knows.. I'm so not a suburban person..and this home well.... it's the suburbs. I'm filled with anxiety about it, it took a whole week to sign the damn lease. It's a beautiful home, built in 1998, 3500 square feet with 4-5 bedrooms. I picked it because of the size of the yard.. I want my kids to play in the yard. Frankly I don't think I'd be happy anywhere.. if it's not Chicago, then it's not home. But I'm going to give this a shot for a 10m and we'll see where it leads me.

Breathe.....Breathe...

A parent should never see their children suffer... no matter what happens, a cut on the arm to the most horrific diseases..  a child is a child and they should not know the feeling of pain or suffering.. unfortunately they do.  Gael had a severe allergic reaction to peanut butter on May 31st. I was simply giving him chocolate cake and did not know there was peanut butter in it. A few minutes later.. my boy's face blew up like a red balloon,his eyes swelled shut,  hives all over, him screaming in pain, then as we were entering children's memorial hospital, he went limp for a few seconds.. then jerked up and started vomiting... for those few minutes.. I saw my world crashing in on me.. as a parent you protect your children, and when you see them in any sort of pain, nothing else matters but fixing it. So we spent the night in the hospital, he is anaphylactic and has to carry an epipen with him now. Doctors were afraid he was going to suffer another attack and stop breathing so for that one night I was on breath watch, I held my boy for 6 hours straight standing up, not only just to keep him comfortable but to feel him breathe. Nothing in the world mattered at that moment, not the move to CT, not the economy, not my stupid blackberry, not standing there with regurgitated chocolate cake on me nothing.. just wanting my boy to get better. It was hard to see them put an IV in his arm, it was hard to see him writhing in pain.. if you know my boy, he's nothing but a package of joy, laughing, gibber-jabbing, jumping.. beyond happy... and for 24 hours.. I did not see that same boy.  I cannot imagine what it is like for parent who has to go through this with their terribly sick children.. I wanted out of Children's Memorial, although thankful for their expertise, I wanted far away from that place.. 

I have a new appreciation for allegry sufferers.. I always knew the stresses of it, but only by word not from experience, my sister Stephanie suffers from several allergies, one of the being the dreaded peanut...When we were frantically going to the ER, I called her, she is an encyclopedia of knowledge when it comes to this, and she knew the symptoms right away. After my frantic call to the doctor, she was the second one we called. I had no idea the trauma she has to deal with when it comes to these allergies, I had to go through my pantry and toss so much out because there are so many packaged foods or ingredients that contain nuts, or tree nuts, or have been made using equiptment that has been exposed to tree nuts.. You've always got to be on your toes.. I recalled an incident that Stephanie went through, she was in college and my sister Sybil was visiting, Stephanie was to receive an award at U of M, and they had went out to eat at Bennigans, she had asked if her meal contained nuts, they said no.. they were wrong.. shortly after, she suffered an attack so terrible it sent her to the hospital and intubated. Sybil still says an "angel" saved her, a strange man gave her one breath of air and said she'll be ok.. then left.. my mother went immediatly to the hospital and told the docs and nurses to take the restraints off to let her fight on her own. And with my mother there... she opened her eyes and said "Where's Pa?" she was looking for my father. I reminded my mother of this tonight as we spoke about Gael, and she started crying as she told the story, she said it was the worst feeling in the world to see Stephanie like that, but the best thing she heard was hearing her speak, my mother said she remembered thanking God over and over.. it's been years and to this day, when speaking about what happened to her child, it brings tears to her eyes. I have a new appreciation for the struggles Stephanie has had to go through, my son seems to have that gene from her and as she said.. they will have that special bond. 

I am glad it happened here...I knew where everything was.. the hospital, doctors, close proximity to my family to help.. In some ways it happened like that for a reason, I know what to prepare for when I move... and within the dust of this craziness and stress I'm coming back to reality and what matters most.. my babies... and every air of breath they take... God am I grateful for that. 

Last 2 days... after 11 years...

So it's my last two days at NBC tower.. I've been walking into this building since 1998. It's bitter sweet.. there have been so many times I've told myself that I need a chance of scenery and it's finally going to happen and I'm freaked out about it. It's been comforting, taking the same ride in, parking in the same area, digging through my bag for my ID, same elevator button pushed and saying hello to the same people. Who knew I'd miss it so damn much. The odd thing is this dysfunctional place has somewhat become my home away from home. I've spent almost every waking hour here. Now as I transition my life to another state, I've found myself to become very sentimental about the smallest things here... right down to the clipboard I used to carry every showday.. I started this job not even thinking I'd last this long. And now I'm moving my family for this job.
I'm trying to be hopeful.. hoping to be hopeful.. but as I sit in my office staring out my window looking at the beautiful Chicago buildings.. I can't help but tear up... I hope that the friendships and bonds I've developed here will carry over to our next chapter.. my last two days have proven to be too emotional... I can't even think about what it will be like when I say goodbye to my family...

Wake me up...

I need someone to slap me in the face.. just one hard slap.. followed by a  loud  "WAKE THE F**K UP!" you see I've been living in a daze for a while now.. I have several personalities.. Work, Home, Self, Family... and I'm a completely different in each setting.. Work being the most drastically different then all of them. I detach myself from reality at work.. I've always had this sinking feeling that I'm going to fail.. and I've been training myself for years to make sure that never happens (I just took a stupid facebook quiz about "the thing that scares me the most" and low and behold... "fear of failure").. I'm in a constant state of pressure when it comes to anything that is career orientated.. I'm looking for ways to better myself, or looking up other careers to study.. because I know one day I'm going to make that leap to do something different.. or at least I think I am. It's not that I'm unhappy with my career choice.. I just feel like life is so short and there's so much to learn.. I just bought the book, becoming a physician... last year I read... becoming a chef.. so its not that I'm leaning toward a certain career, I find myself fascinated with them all, recently you'd be able to find me looking up information on becoming a Montessori teacher for infants and toddlers. And when I should be focusing on my BIG move and stressing about that.. I decided to sign up for a week long intensive course on whether or not Law School is right for me. Seriously.. someone slap the shit out of me.. 

I know I should just settle down.. in fact as far as Home goes, I am settled, I'm a good homemaker at least I'd like to think so.. when I get home from work at 2am, I'll begin preparations on the next day's lunch and dinner so Danny and the kids have food ready, I'll wake up a 7am to make sure it's cooked before I leave for work at 11a. 

When it comes to Myself.. I'm truly someone who just love to be alone.. I crave solitude, I thought I could be happy just me and my thoughts, but then the constant state of worrying whether or not I'm doing enough with my life sets in and then I'm back to being a neurotic over acheiver.. 

What best defines me, and what gave me my true voice was having my babies.. They smoothed out my rough edges.. I get to be everything I've ever wanted when I'm with them, to them, I'm their chef, their doctor, producer of their favorite events and shows, montessori teacher..and the best job of them all... mother.  Right now We have the perfect childcare.. the perfect proximity to our families.. they'd be growing up in the same neighborhood I was raised in.. I had the perfect set up.. and then BAM... life threw a curve ball... and how do I respond? In what personality?? Home, Self... family??? My Work attitude's got this one covered.. I need that strong personality to stomach the stress that will follow me, because I cannot fail.. if I fail I take them down with me... and I will not allow my children to see their mother fail. 

So someone.. please.. slap the Sh*t out of me so I can focus.....

Lucia's big day...

9 months old and started to walk! I'm speechless, thrilled and sad at the same time.. she's so small and growing so fast....

Danny and I always knew we wanted our children close in age... when Gael was born, I was already thinking about baby #2... I wanted them about 15 month apart.. I didn't expect 13 months. But I don't regret it, in fact I love it more, I welcome the challenge. When I was pregnant with #2 I wanted a boy, I fell so in love with my son, I wanted one just like him. We had the ultrasound tech write out on a post it the sex of the baby and put it in an envelope and on Danny's birthday we opened it, and there it was...."It's a girl!" My mouth dropped, I was shocked and nervous, happy and scared. Girl? All I kept thinking was.. she's going to be just like me, and that terrifies me. I have so many faults, I wouldn't wish them on anyone.. my fear of failure cripples me, my lack of patience, I'm stubborn, I live in the past, I dig myself into the deepest holes when I'm upset, and that's not even gracing the surface... then there's society and it's influence on girls, from weight to fashion to labels... and that even continues on into adulthood, I cringe when I hear terms like "Alphamom/wife" "Power this.. or that" Then if anyone knew me growing up.. then you know the trials and tribulations I put my parents through.... Having a girl is God's way of smacking me back in the face... But I take it now as my opportunity to make things right, serve as an example to my daughter, show her the mistakes I made and how I fixed them, ignore the labels etc.. I can't imagine life without my sweet little baby. I love her so much I fall to my knees each time I see her... She is my soul, my strength and the passion that drives me every second of the day. She captivates me. Gael brings out the best in me, his happiness exudes in our home, and he melts me. When I had my son, he filled a void in me I had for a long time, he completed my existence in this world.. gave me a reason, and when I had my girl.. she gave me fight, enhanced the passion and focus I had to live my life every second for my family. She's is what is keeping me focused on this big move.  

Why can't time slow down...

I've always hated how fast time flies... I'm always thinking.. I have to do it NOW... I have to get it done or I have to document it so I don't forget... I'm the type of person that savors every second when it comes to certain things.. I feel like if I don't experience it to the fullest, I'll regret it. 

 I've spent a small fortune on pictures of my children, with one photographer, in one session I ended up spending $3500.00 then went back 3 months later for more pictures of my daughter, then again 2 months later to a different photographer for my kid's spring pictures... I'm obsessed, shutterfly is my addiction, I've created at least 20 photobooks, all with at least 30 pages. I'm usually up late at night creating one. I just don't want to miss a moment and I like to document what happened at that particular moment in time. I scrapbook.... shocking I know.. on the surface most would not take me for the scrapbooking type.. but I love it.. I love organizing my memories.. at home I'm always looking at my photos and scrapbooks, I prefer that over watching television. 

I want to slow time down... in just 2 1/2 months I'll be in Connecticut, and I don't want to move... I have no idea how I'm going to handle it when that time comes but right now I'm completely stressed about it... there are days that are better and I get really excited.. but then there are nights that I toss and turn and worry about what the future brings.. My Godson, Benedict came over for a second to drop off hot cross buns my sister made, Gael was thrilled, he jumped for joy to see Benedict, and the second he left, Gael couldn't stop crying.. my son is at an age where he loves playing with other children and for the first time, he's running and loving every second with his cousins. That's what I love about living so close to my family... not only do I have the security to know they're there but our kids have each other and their bond will be closer than cousins. I never thought I'd love children, always thought I was too selfish for it. Then my first nephew Harry was born, I remember holding that boy, amazing...I was an Aunt for the first time, I still have the room badge I wore when I went to visit my sister in the hospital, I'll never forget that moment.  I became a Godmother about 9m later... Benedict felt like my own son when I was with him, I hope I hold that title to it's true honor. Then the others came one by one.. Bernadette, KAI, William, and after that.. came my boy Gael... then Aidan and my little Lucia... there's also Daniel, who every time Gael sees he can't stop hugging... and soon they'll expect a new cousin, Olivia, a perfect playmate for Lucia.. only a year apart... I study my son now, I can see the wheels turning in his little imagination... so many cousin's to imagine with.... I wish I can just slow down time just for those moments... 

Up again... and again....

I'm up... late... again.. I've always been an insomniac.. when I was a kid, I remember staying up all night, there was one night I stayed up literally 24 hours, I was sitting at the edge of my parent's bed, my mom had just come home from work, she worked the over night shift at the hospital I must have been 12 at the time, I don't know why I stayed up I just did. I had terrible nightmares, all recurring ones, it was odd, that day my mother made me stay home from school to get some sleep. I thought it was strange that she did that since she would send us to school even if we were vomiting out last nights dinner. I think too much, it's my mortal enemy. I tend to dramatize things in my mind, the simplest things become long drawn out acts. I can turn a happy moment into a spectacular one and a sad moment into the most tragic stories ever written, I hate this part of me. Lately I've been up till about 4am every morning thinking about this move, not good since I get up at 7am with the kids. Lately Danny's let me sleep in, kind husband that he is, but then I hear Lucia screaming in the morning.. so I can't help by get up. (if you haven't noticed I call my daughter by her middle name) 

I go through ups and downs, there are days I think of this move as a great adventure, then the other days, I dig myself into the darkest hole, and I can't seem to pull myself out. Tonight is one of those days.  We spent this wonderful day at solider field, it was the annual candy grab, Gael's first easter celebration, we had an awesome brunch then on to the packed field for free candy.  It was crowded and probably too chaotic for most, but I loved it, walking up to Solider Field, it was the first time I had been up that close to it since it's been remodeled, I was against it's spaceship like features years ago when they did it, now I've warmed up to it. It was intimidating and awesome at the same time, it was a cold morning and when you took a breath the air was so brisk, you couldn't help but shiver each time. Gael's cheeks rosey'd up so quickly, and Lucia was wrapped up tight in Gael's yellow baby blanket you could only see her eyes, every once in a while she'd wiggle and you'd catch a glimpse of her chilly nose. I looked around, and took in the atmosphere, I loved it, sunny, Chicago Cold, and warming up next to me are my treasures.. 

We took a walk afterward, Gael and Lucia fell asleep from their mad dash for sweets, as we walked,  I came across one of the spots for the one of the best views of the Chicago Skyline, walking along the stadium,  the museum campus. Ahh perfect.. clear sky and a view of the SEARS tower,  my Chicago, my city... my home.. already I miss it. 

Endless search....

I'm finding myself on an endless search for the perfect rental house in Connecticut.. which is  bit scary since I have no idea what area is nice. I bought my townhouse in 2001, I was so excited! My very first home, I was 25. I was proud of myself when  wrote that first mortgage check and I still have that sense of accomplishment now. I had many problems with this home, leaks in the roof (still do) leak in the basement, air conditioning and heating issues, I bought it new construction but later found out our builder wasn't all that honest, he half assed the job. But I tackled all the issues, spent a small fortune on fixing the air conditioning and I am still waiting to get the roof fixed so I can repair the kitchen ceiling. But I do love it here, Since Danny moved in and we had our babies, I  really feel like home. I'm comfortable, Danny is wonderful here, he helps out a great deal and the sound of my children running up and down the hall brings a warmth and excitement to me. Gael comes running the minute he hears the garage door open, and when I open up that door, I hear "oh mommy!" and I melt. 

So here I am now searching... for that same feeling in a city I am foreign to. Sticker shock isn't the word when looking, it's more like, "Holy mother of God, Who the hell can afford to live here?" I'm going back to renting.. something I am totally against, since at my age, I should be owning a home but since I'm not exactly sure what the east coast will bring me, I'm not going to buy a house until I know I'm secure there. So I'm looking at spending between $2000-$3500/month on rent, and that's depending on the house and location. I've seen some homes, on the cheaper end but they're either too far or too old. I'm a bit picky and want something more updated.. most of the homes in Connecticut are older homes, beautiful but I'm a bit paranoid with lead being in the walls and mold.. etc.. And I'm looking for a backyard.. I figure if I'm going out there, then I want to be happy and make my family happy, I want the backyard where my children can play. So of course the homes I've seen and like are about 3 grand a month.

I've posted a few pics of homes I've been looking at. They're about 3 bedrooms. I'm hoping my family comes to visit a lot so I want to find a home that has some room to it. Another sad moment, I'll miss my niece and nephews so much but that's another post.... 

So I'll continue my endless search for the perfect place...and outrageous highway robbery rent.... in the meantime.. I'll fix my leak problems and rent out my dear to my heart townhouse...anyone interested??

The Adventure Begins

All my life I have thought that I would never leave Chicago, I love this town. I hold dear everything Chicago has to offer, from the hot dogs, Cubs games and knowing the perfect spot to view the beautiful skyline. I truly am in love with Chicago. Even the thought of moving to a suburb terrified me. I never wanted a phone number with a 708 or 847 area code, no way! I hated people who said they were from Chicago and when I asked, where, north, south.. they would respond with a suburb of Chicago, Glen Ellyn etc.. that's not Chicago. So it is with a saddened heart that I venture out of my great city to the nemisis of Chicago, the east coast.... where pizza and hotdogs become a heavily debated subject. I will become an east coaster... Officially July 2009 I will be living in Connecticut. My job has relocated there and I have chosen to move my family. This decision was extremely difficult to do, but it was either face unemployment or go where the pay check is, and in this economy, it was a no brainer, my children need to eat. Of course, Danny and I have played in our heads financially how things would work out if I didn't work and he did for a bit.... and it sounded like a dream.. me staying home with my babies, just like I've always wanted.. but then reality kicked in.. there was no way we'd be able to make ends meet. So it's time to suck it up, sacrafice and survive! Connecticut here we come.

So this blog will document our many adventures, so our closest friends and family can keep up with us and know how we're all doing. So with my fantastic supportive husband at my side and my two treasures in our arms, the adventure begins....