Last 2 days... after 11 years...

So it's my last two days at NBC tower.. I've been walking into this building since 1998. It's bitter sweet.. there have been so many times I've told myself that I need a chance of scenery and it's finally going to happen and I'm freaked out about it. It's been comforting, taking the same ride in, parking in the same area, digging through my bag for my ID, same elevator button pushed and saying hello to the same people. Who knew I'd miss it so damn much. The odd thing is this dysfunctional place has somewhat become my home away from home. I've spent almost every waking hour here. Now as I transition my life to another state, I've found myself to become very sentimental about the smallest things here... right down to the clipboard I used to carry every showday.. I started this job not even thinking I'd last this long. And now I'm moving my family for this job.
I'm trying to be hopeful.. hoping to be hopeful.. but as I sit in my office staring out my window looking at the beautiful Chicago buildings.. I can't help but tear up... I hope that the friendships and bonds I've developed here will carry over to our next chapter.. my last two days have proven to be too emotional... I can't even think about what it will be like when I say goodbye to my family...

Wake me up...

I need someone to slap me in the face.. just one hard slap.. followed by a  loud  "WAKE THE F**K UP!" you see I've been living in a daze for a while now.. I have several personalities.. Work, Home, Self, Family... and I'm a completely different in each setting.. Work being the most drastically different then all of them. I detach myself from reality at work.. I've always had this sinking feeling that I'm going to fail.. and I've been training myself for years to make sure that never happens (I just took a stupid facebook quiz about "the thing that scares me the most" and low and behold... "fear of failure").. I'm in a constant state of pressure when it comes to anything that is career orientated.. I'm looking for ways to better myself, or looking up other careers to study.. because I know one day I'm going to make that leap to do something different.. or at least I think I am. It's not that I'm unhappy with my career choice.. I just feel like life is so short and there's so much to learn.. I just bought the book, becoming a physician... last year I read... becoming a chef.. so its not that I'm leaning toward a certain career, I find myself fascinated with them all, recently you'd be able to find me looking up information on becoming a Montessori teacher for infants and toddlers. And when I should be focusing on my BIG move and stressing about that.. I decided to sign up for a week long intensive course on whether or not Law School is right for me. Seriously.. someone slap the shit out of me.. 

I know I should just settle down.. in fact as far as Home goes, I am settled, I'm a good homemaker at least I'd like to think so.. when I get home from work at 2am, I'll begin preparations on the next day's lunch and dinner so Danny and the kids have food ready, I'll wake up a 7am to make sure it's cooked before I leave for work at 11a. 

When it comes to Myself.. I'm truly someone who just love to be alone.. I crave solitude, I thought I could be happy just me and my thoughts, but then the constant state of worrying whether or not I'm doing enough with my life sets in and then I'm back to being a neurotic over acheiver.. 

What best defines me, and what gave me my true voice was having my babies.. They smoothed out my rough edges.. I get to be everything I've ever wanted when I'm with them, to them, I'm their chef, their doctor, producer of their favorite events and shows, montessori teacher..and the best job of them all... mother.  Right now We have the perfect childcare.. the perfect proximity to our families.. they'd be growing up in the same neighborhood I was raised in.. I had the perfect set up.. and then BAM... life threw a curve ball... and how do I respond? In what personality?? Home, Self... family??? My Work attitude's got this one covered.. I need that strong personality to stomach the stress that will follow me, because I cannot fail.. if I fail I take them down with me... and I will not allow my children to see their mother fail. 

So someone.. please.. slap the Sh*t out of me so I can focus.....